The Question Most Leaders Can't Answer
I’ve been asking leaders one question lately.
“What are the 10 values you actually live by? Not the ones on your company wall. Not the ones that sound good in a performance review. The ones that, when violated, make you feel like something is genuinely wrong.”
Most people go quiet.
Not because they don’t have values. Because they’ve never stopped long enough to name them.
Here’s what I’ve noticed: the leaders who can answer that question clearly make better decisions. They navigate conflict differently. They know which opportunities to say no to, and why.
The ones who can’t answer it tend to feel like they’re always reacting. Always adjusting. Never quite sure if they’re leading or just managing the noise.
I’ve spent years coaching leaders through a values discovery process, and the pattern never changes. Once someone gets clear on their core values, everything else gets simpler. Not easier. Simpler.
If you’ve never done the exercise, try it. Write down the values you think you live by. Then ask someone who knows you well if they’d agree.
That conversation alone is worth more than most leadership books.
The Difference Between Consulting and Coaching
Early in my career I had a mentor who gave great advice.
He'd listen to my situation, ask a few sharp questions, and then tell me exactly what to do. It was efficient. It felt helpful. I left every conversation with a clear next step.
And then I'd go do it — his way, not mine.
Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. But either way, I never really owned it. Because I hadn't figured it out. I'd been told.
That's the difference between consulting and coaching.
A consultant diagnoses and prescribes. They're the expert. Their job is to give you the answer.
A coach does something harder — and more lasting. They ask better questions until you find the answer. And when you find it yourself, you own it. You act on it. It sticks.
I'm not a consultant. I don't tell leaders what to do.
I ask the questions that help them figure out what they already know — and then hold them accountable to actually doing it.
If you've ever left a coaching conversation feeling like you just got consulting, you haven't experienced real coaching yet.
The Identity Problem No One Talks About
Most leaders don't have a strategy problem. They have an identity problem.
They've been so busy performing — hitting numbers, managing up, keeping the team together — that somewhere along the way they stopped asking the question that actually matters:
Who am I, separate from my role and my results?
When that question goes unanswered long enough, everything starts to feel borrowed. The goals. The pace. The version of yourself you show up as on Monday morning.
That's not a productivity fix. It's not a better planning system.
It's the work of getting back to who you actually are.
That's where I start with every leader I coach. Not goals. Not performance gaps. Identity first.
Everything else follows.